Friday, March 17, 2006

One Less Headache, One Product Plug


If you're like me, and I know I am, then drinking diet soda gives you a headache. By "headache" I mean "pain like a rusty red-hot railroad spike being driven into your head until it hits your eye". That being the case, I'm not one for drinking diet soda. This is somewhat problematic when I'm trying to lose weight, as I can easily drink 4 or 5 sodas at a sitting. (Last week Deb and I went out for lunch. The waitress brought me a pitcher of soda after I finished my second soda before the meal arrived. I finished the pitcher.) Drinking half of the recommended daily allotment of calories during one meal isn't particularly good.

"Try water", you say? "Try going to hell", I reply. I drink water in the summer and/or when we're out hiking. I need flavor with my food. And I can't drink any of those other lovely diet drinks, because they all have NutraSweet and give me a bloody great stabbing headache.

Until now.

The fine folks at Coca-Cola came up with a diet soda sweetened with Splenda. So I tried some. (I prefer Pepsi over Coke, but I prefer weighing less too... so what the hell.) It didn't give me a headache. Not even a small one. That's very cool! And do you know what's even better? This Splenda stuff has all manner of controversy surrounding it. One thing I just finished reading called it a "mild mutagen"! That's awesome! I hope I mutate big, sharp spikes on my shoulders. That way, people would get the hell out of my way when I'm walking. If they don't, they get impaled. "Oh, sorry! Couldn't help it. I'm a victim of a mutagen." Maybe I could mutate some sort of camouflage ability. Then I could sneak up on people and scare the hell out of them. So many mutation ideas are running through my brain... I'm like Marvel in the 90s.

In any event, I'm starting to switch over to my mutating soda. It tastes decidedly different than "real" soda, so it's not a smooth transition. But, if diet crap makes you want to tear off the top of your own head so you can release the demons, you might want to give this stuff a try. And hey, with the added bonus of possible mutation, how can you turn it down?

4 comments:

Rabbit said...

As long as it mutates consumers from heavy people to svelte, skinny people, no one will complain.

scooter's thoughts said...

let me know if it mutates some hair on your bald head... then I will buy it by the 55 gallon drum!

scooter's thoughts said...

Let me know if it mutates some hair on your bald head. then I will buy it by the 55 gallon drum!

Oliviah said...

Hehehe, that was funny. If you mutate--post some pics!!