You Gouta Be Kidding

I've adjusted my diet in order to combat high cholesterol. Just a part of being 40+, I guess. Little did I know that in so doing, I was eating a bunch of things that trigger a gout attack. I had also cut out things that helped stave off an attack. Neat. I guess I'm down to three choices: eat for my cholesterol and deal with the pain and occasional limping, eat for my gout and maybe have a heart attack sooner rather than later, or switch to a vegetarian diet and kill myself inside of a week. Oh yeah... through the magic of the intertubes, I learned that cherries have some sort of mystical voodoo property that helps to reduce swelling from gout and other types of arthritis. That's great, because cherries are delicious! (I keep saying that in an attempt to keep from vomiting as I force them down.) Cherries are like most other vegetables and fruits to me, in that they evoke the same mental image whenever I eat them. It's an image I'll share with you now for your dining and dancing pleasure. Picture a decent-sized beetle. The size of your thumbnail or so. Now imagine the sounds and the sensations that flood your senses when you step on that beetle. The squishy crunch, the goo oozing from the shattered carapace. Now take that packet of sensations and put them in your mouth. Now go eat a salad, or as I like to call it, a bowl full of beetles. Sure, it's a delicacy to some. Some freaks.

So, yeah, vegetarianism isn't really in the cards for me. Beetletarianism, absolutely. Crunchy and delicious.