Monday, January 16, 2006

Don't Blame the Puppy

I've made a discovery, and I'm going to share it with all of you. We purchased some toilet paper the other day, and I was surprised by two things about the packaging. One by its presence, and one by its absence. The first was this rather disturbing comparative chart describing the difference in roll sizes. It says (and I quote):

"1 single roll
1 double = 2 single
1 triple = 3 single".

Has our society regressed to such a state where people actually need to be told that a double does in fact equate to two singles, and a triple is no less than three singles? I guess it's a good thing that they didn't also put "1 triple = 1 single + 1 double", as toilet paper word problems might just be too much for some people. However, if people are so incredibly dense as to not know that 1+1=2, then they have absolutely no right to be using toilet paper in the first place. If this mathematical milestone has escaped the grasp of so many that the makers of the product felt compelled to explain it in four vibrant colors, how can we know with absolute certainty that the general populace is using toilet paper correctly in the first place?

Which brings me to the second point about the package.

There's a possibility here for a class action lawsuit, but I'm afraid a few people are going to suffer some (probably hysterical) bodily harm in order to reap the rewards. It's a small price to pay, and it's for the benefit of your fellow humans. See... there are instructions on shampoo, soap, toothpaste; pretty much everything you can find in your bathroom. There are instructions on how to use the product, and warnings as to what not to do with the product. Not so with toilet paper. (At least, not with this brand. If anyone finds toilet paper with instructions, I'd like to know about it.) The only instruction on the package is a warning about the suffocation danger of the plastic bag. Nothing whatsoever about the product contained therein. In the lawsuit-happy land of America, no instructions or warnings pretty much means I can do any damned thing I want with the product and then sue the manufacturer if (when) I get hurt by it. Because they didn't hold my hand and warn me. So I'm going to need some volunteers to figure out how they can hurt themselves with toilet paper. If your story makes it to your local paper, send me a link. Be as creative as you like, but don't send me any pictures.


Mel said...

I now have a mission to find toilet paper instructions. That is hilarious.

Neeraj said...

OMIGOSH!! No instructions !!

What is the world of toilet papers comning to !! Do they really expect us to use our brains as to how to use the toilet papers ?

What if someone eat it ?
What if someone stuff it in their nose ?
What if someone used it to wipe off their finger prints, intead of wipping off what they should be wipping off ?
What if someone stuff it inside, instead of wipping it off ??

There are so in-numerable possibilities and they want us to explore all of them ??

utenzi said...

I hope if they do start adding instructions that there aren't pictures!

Mama Mouse said...

Oh the mind pictures!! The unique situations!! The absurdity!!

I now must pick myself up off of the floor and try to show a modicum of decorum ... which will be difficult considering I'm laughing my a** off!

Oliviah said...

That was so funny. The world must be warned of the potential of--death by toilet paper!

Wontar said...

Mel - If you find any with instructions, please let me know! Glad you enjoyed my rant.

neeraj - Exactly.

Utenzi - I share your concern.

Mama Mouse - These are the things Deb has to put up with 24/7. Glad you liked it!

Oliviah - Oh sure... it's funny until someone dies. Then it's hilarious. What an epitaph that would make. :)

John Litzenberg said...

Well, I'm not one to volunteer, but one COULD attempt to use the roll (of course, only a super absorbent brand should even be considered) as a rope ladder to descend from a second or third story window, tying one end off on the toilet handle and tossing the roll over the sill (probably at least a double roll) and then grabbing hold with both hands and repelling downward to destiny :)

Wontar said...

John - That's the idea! No instructions = potential mayhem! I greatly enjoyed the mental image of people grabbing on to toilet paper rolls and shouting "repel downward to destiny!" as they leap out of windows.

Rabbit said...

Finding a way to kill yourself with toilet paper . . . that sounds like a fraternity initiation ritual.

Wontar said...

Rabbit - From the "Delta Krappa" fraternity?