Monday, January 16, 2006
Don't Blame the Puppy
I've made a discovery, and I'm going to share it with all of you. We purchased some toilet paper the other day, and I was surprised by two things about the packaging. One by its presence, and one by its absence. The first was this rather disturbing comparative chart describing the difference in roll sizes. It says (and I quote):
"1 single roll
1 double = 2 single
1 triple = 3 single".
Has our society regressed to such a state where people actually need to be told that a double does in fact equate to two singles, and a triple is no less than three singles? I guess it's a good thing that they didn't also put "1 triple = 1 single + 1 double", as toilet paper word problems might just be too much for some people. However, if people are so incredibly dense as to not know that 1+1=2, then they have absolutely no right to be using toilet paper in the first place. If this mathematical milestone has escaped the grasp of so many that the makers of the product felt compelled to explain it in four vibrant colors, how can we know with absolute certainty that the general populace is using toilet paper correctly in the first place?
Which brings me to the second point about the package.
There's a possibility here for a class action lawsuit, but I'm afraid a few people are going to suffer some (probably hysterical) bodily harm in order to reap the rewards. It's a small price to pay, and it's for the benefit of your fellow humans. See... there are instructions on shampoo, soap, toothpaste; pretty much everything you can find in your bathroom. There are instructions on how to use the product, and warnings as to what not to do with the product. Not so with toilet paper. (At least, not with this brand. If anyone finds toilet paper with instructions, I'd like to know about it.) The only instruction on the package is a warning about the suffocation danger of the plastic bag. Nothing whatsoever about the product contained therein. In the lawsuit-happy land of America, no instructions or warnings pretty much means I can do any damned thing I want with the product and then sue the manufacturer if (when) I get hurt by it. Because they didn't hold my hand and warn me. So I'm going to need some volunteers to figure out how they can hurt themselves with toilet paper. If your story makes it to your local paper, send me a link. Be as creative as you like, but don't send me any pictures.