Thursday, December 08, 2005

How To Scare A Telemarketer

Those of you who know me know that I despise the telephone. (For those of you who don't know me: I despise the telephone.) Our number is on the "Do Not Call" list, but that seems to mean less and less. Today, we were subjected to several calls by someone whose number was unknown to us and who refused to leave a message on the machine. If they leave a message, I give them points for being professional. If they do not, they're in the express lane to earning my hatred. About the fifth time they called, my better half picked up the phone and hung up on them, which she repeated the following call.

The seventh time, I answered:

"What... is... it?" (Never "hello". "Hello" is for people who are at least pretending to be polite, and we were way beyond that point already.)

"Hello? Could I speak with De.." stammered Sally Outsource. She did not get to finish the next syllable.

"No you may not. Can I speak with your supervisor?" Countered the angry Wontar.

Insert puzzled pause here. "Could I please speak with..." Oh, Sally. You're not making it any better for yourself by ignoring me.

"No, you may not! Can I speak with your supervisor now!" interrupted the increasingly-angry Wontar.

"If I could just..." Sally, Sally, Sally! If you were in the same room as me, I'd be shoving your head in the garbage disposal. Feet first, of course. Good thing you're outsourced.

"No! I either talk to your supervisor by the time I count to thirty, or you'll hear from my attorney. Your choice. Supervisor, or attorney? Do you understand me?" These words, said through clenched teeth, have significant impact. Wontar smash! Wontar hate puny phone person! Wontar melt phone with burning rage!

There was a squeak, and the phone went dead. She hung up. Yep. She hung up on me, rather than get a supervisor. It wouldn't surprise me that she doesn't have a supervisor, or the equally likely possibility that she didn't understand enough English to know what the hell I was saying. She just knew I wasn't the person she wanted and I was extremely pissed off.

Either way, the phone has stopped ringing. So I don't really care.


sam said...

This is why I actually like dialup; telemarketers rarely get through.

P.S. That garbage disposal image nearly made me spit peanuts!

Wontar said...

Sam - But think of all the interpersonal skills you're missing out on! :) I couldn't handle dialup, though. Give me cable or give me.. a T1.

Prozac Chic said...

I am so going to have to use that approach and see if it works to get my phone to stop ringing. Good job. Telemarketers are worse than bill collectors.

Wontar said...

prozac chic - It is very effective. And much cheaper than anger management classes. More fun, too.

Tarragon said...

I've only had one telemarketer call and hang up on me today. I think they are finally getting bored of listening to my voicemail.

Wontar said...

Tarragon - I wish the telemarketers here would get tired of our answering machine. The computers just call back until you actually pick up the phone. One bad thing about technology.

Anonymous said...

Material I've used:
Randomly laugh

Material I want to try out:

I was just counting the ways I know to kill someone. I got up to 50 when you called