Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I have to get this out. It bothers me every now and then, and it upsets my wife when I talk about this, so I've got to type it. Hang on to something.

Let me preface this by saying that I do not hate police. I do not envy them their job, and I'm sure most of them are fine, upstanding pillars of their respective communities. And I'm not being sarcastic, as difficult as that is to believe.

Here's my thing. It really, truly, honestly, infuriates me to the point of incoherence whenever a cop car goes speeding by and they don't have their lights on. I mean, my blood boils and I want to rip the flesh from their bones. Why? Simple, really. The police are supposed to be those who enforce the law. They are the ones who are supposed to know the laws, and stop those who break the laws. When I'm cruising down a 55-limit road doing 60, and a cop passes me like I'm standing still and he's not in pursuit of someone or responding to a call, then that cop is flagrantly breaking the laws that he/she is supposed to be upholding. With complete disregard to the laws and safety regulations quoted to us mere mortals for the safety issues of the set speed limits. I guess when you dress all in black and have a shiny badge, you're immune to the effects of slamming into a stationary object at 80 or 90 miles an hour, huh? Or plowing over a pedestrian, or slamming into someone, or any of those things. I guess their amazing cop powers give them cop reflexes to avoid such things that regular drivers can't seem to avoid.

I work for the IRS. As a "perk" of that job, my annual tax return has to be perfect. Perfect. No exception, no tolerance, nothing. If I make a mistake on it because I suck at math, there's a chance I get fired. I'm more likely to be disciplined/reprimanded, but no matter what there's a black mark on my record. That's any IRS employee. Newsflash: 99.99999% of IRS employees are regular folks, not accountants or CPAs. Hell, most of them barely have high school educations, much less any accounting credits. But we're supposed to set an example for the rest of the country.

I think the same idea should be given to cops. If they go over the speed limit, they get fired. Done. This rule does not apply if they've got their lights and siren on, of course. If there's an emergency, light 'em up and go get 'em. By all means. You're doing your job. But if you're just out cruising looking for alleged bad people to fill up your quota for the month so you can be crowned Raving Flaming Queen of the Polieceman's Ball, you goddamn well do the speed limit you scum-sucking goat-fucking son of a bitch. Because if you're just out cruising for donuts or some other sort of pastry and you're doing 80 miles an hour because you're late for your fucking break, too fucking bad. You should have fucking left sooner. Not my problem you were playing "hide the nightstick" with your partner.

And, if any regular folks catch a cop breaking the law by speeding, we should be allowed to kill them by driving over them. Slowly. Very, very slowly. And not in an SUV or anything heavy. I'm talking like a Mini. Or a scooter with spiked tires.

It's a simple rule, really. If you enforce the law, you follow the law. If you enforce the law and you break the law, I get to wear your skin as a hat.

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