Saturday, November 19, 2005

Instruction Manual of the Lamp

We purchased the lamp pictured here from Toscano. The lamp came with a 5" x 7" sheet of instructions that not only bore the title "Instruction Manual of the Lamp", but they were either translated from another language or written by someone who bashed his head against a keyboard for a week. (I've worked with people like that, so I'm not ruling it out.) Since I laughed quite uncontrollably while reading them, I figured I'd share the highlights with you. My thoughts will be in italics for your added enjoyment.

1. Cleaning
Do not use the Cleaning Powder, the Wire Sponge, the Flammable Spray Cleanser or Pesticide.
Honey? Where's the DDT? I need to clean the furniture.

Use soft cloth for cleaning. Dry immediately if wet cloth used for cleaning for stubborn.
If you're easygoing, does that mean you can use a wet cloth?

2. Changing the Bulb
Disconnect from the electronic supply for at least an hour before replacing the bulb.
OK, so in order to change the bulb I have to unplug the lamp, wait an hour, and then do it? What am I, going for a swim with the lamp? Or is the lamp some awesome storage battery housing all manner of electricity siphoned off from the mysterious "electronic supply"?

3. Changing the Structure
Do not change any part and insert any material to the lamp for safety.
What? I didn't realize I had the power to transmogrify lamps! Why didn't anyone tell me? Also, the lamp didn't come with a bulb, so if I insert a bulb that's bad, and if I change the bulb that's bad. So much for safety, as I've effectively purchased a metal stick.

5. Caution
Place the wire in safety condition to avoid kicking.
While I agree that it's good to avoid kicking, I don't exactly know where the safety condition is. Perhaps the lamp is playing football and I didn't know it.

Do not shake and knock the lamp.
I can't do both, but can I do just one of those?

Do not use the lamp in downward position in order to cause fire.
You know, I've never tried to use a lamp as a laser. I'm going to have to try this with one of my instruction-free lamps and see if I can use it in a downward position to cause fire.

Do not cover the lamp with cloth and paper to avoid fire.
Again, not both, but one would be OK? And if I'm avoiding fire, isn't that a good thing?

Do not touch the lamp immediately after switching off or when the lamp is switched on.
In other words: never ever touch the lamp.

Personally, I'm relieved that the lamp came with these instructions. Otherwise I'd be touching the lamp, covering it with paper and cloth doused in pesticide, and generally using it in a downward position to cause a fire. I'd be like Prometheus with a Gothic laser beam lamp, starting brush fires and killing bugs with impunity and a wire sponge clenched in my teeth.

In other, non-lamp news, I'm happy and surprised to announce that I've lost over 10 lbs. If I lose another 20 I'll be happy, but really anything is a bonus. Can I get a large "woohoo"?


web_loafer said...

Almost as bad as the warning stickers Toyota had to include with my new Tundra pickup truck.
You would think a professional truck driver, with over 2 millions miles of driving would not need the warnings.
You're right I don't need them, but they are there nonetheless.
And there is no way to remove them.
But, they came with the truck.
I wonder if there is a special model for people with a brain.......I'd be willing to pay a little extra.

Hannah said...

When I bought my new flute, it came with the instructions "not to brandish" it at anyone, nor is it "to be used as a weapon." Kinda makes you wonder...

Wontar said...

Web_Loafer - I too would love to live in a world where people know that coffee served in a McCup is hot, and that it's not a good idea to drive with one's head inside the glovebox. Sadly, the world is chock-full of stupid people who need labels on everything so they can't turn around and sue. Of course, with the literacy rate dropping, soon all the warning labels will be nothing but heiroglyphs. Good for me, because of the whole art thing.

Hannah - You know, Jean-Pierre Rampal could brandish a flute like it was nobody's business. He could've done a whole "West Side Story" thing with the flute. Would've scared me.

Clubbs said...

Oh man I love those badly translated directions. There should be an entire website devoted to those. We had a shelf with directions that said "Do not worry if still some smell from this fresh product remains when open it." Classic.

Neeraj said...

Simply amazing.
But you can't beat the instructions that were written in manual for the lamp I purchased 2 weeks back. Below are 2 that are really close to my heart:

1. Aviod over-useage of electrical parts.
2. This electrical instrument is for display purpose, don't use otherwise.

Delmonti said...

really love your "Click here for holiday bargins!".

It dosent make your blog look tacky at all.

Wontar said...

Clubbs - I found several sites devoted to wacky translations. One of my new favorites is Oh, and I once had an air freshener that was "New Shelf Smell". Very nice, in a styrofoamy kind of way.

neeraj - Hmm... they left out the bits about fire and all that? I hope you maintain your level of lamp owner responsibility and don't cause fires or use pesticides on it!

delmonti - Sarcasm much? Besides, I spelled "bargains" correctly, and if you noticed it then it did what it was supposed to do. Thanks for sharing!

Tarragon said...

A friend of mine bought a bag of carrots from the supermarket the other day and was somewhat amused to find the declaration "This product is nut free" written on the back.

Sheila said...

I'm now very sad that all I ordered from Toscano was a wall hanging that came with no instructions. Think of all the fun I missed!