Monday, October 31, 2005

Have A Proper Octember Terminus, Everyone!

If you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, it seems that schools across the good ol' US of A are doing away with Halloween celebrations and festivities. They're being replaced with either nothing, or a more generic "Fall-o-ween". Why? Because a "full 30 percent" are objecting! So, of course, we must bow to the vocal minority. Since Halloween is the one holiday that isn't about a current religion, then it must be bad. (Which makes no sense. I mean, Halloween is currently about candy and dressing up. Easter is all about candy too! There's your Christian connection right there!) (Plus, Christ is one of the most well-documented zombies in all of literature, so there's your creepy factor! What else do you need? Let's put the cross in a cornfield, and Jesus could've been a scarecrow while he was hanging up to dry.) And candy is bad, since the sugar leads to hyperactivity in children. Since we can't discipline kids any more, then that's bad too. (Yeah, your kids are normally such angels as long as they're doped up on Ritalin or some other attitude-adjuster.) A full 30 percent of people aren't having their proper share of enjoyment on this single day! Something must be done about it! Or I'll sue!!!

I have a solution. I'd like to start a grassroots movement to bring back the true spirit of the day. The day when the veil between the world we inhabit and the world of the supernatural was at its thinnest. I'm talking about blood sacrifices. But only of the people who obtain their joy solely through denying it of others. They're probably the same people who hand out pennies on Halloween instead of chocolate. The same people who only have contests where everybody wins. (No point, then, is there?)

I've found a mascot for my cause. You just wait. We'll re-paganize all the holidays that were stolen. Why am I so sure? Here's my mascot:

We will not be stopped.

Happy Hallowe'en everyone!


landismom said...

I'm down with the re-paganizing of Christmas. Let us all worship the green branches of winter!

Wontar said...

Since Christmas is more "X-mas" now, I don't think people will really mind. In about 5 years they'll change the name to "$-mas" and people won't even flinch.