Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm A Hack For Evolution

I would like to start a movement. Not anything profound like an art movement, but a movement for the sake of humans as a species. (I know, I know; that's exceptionally odd from someone who has no lost love for the species in question.) You can join the movement too, if you'd like. Let me tell you what it is first before you start sending donations... I want to do away with stupid warning labels. As a corollary of this, I want those who cannot figure out the proper usage of products to suffer the consequences without the right to filing a frivolous lawsuit. Granted, some warning labels offer up some fine entertainment. But the fact that some idiot actually had to spray Windex in his or her eyes in order for the "Do not spray in eyes" legend to appear on every bottle is alarming. Primarily because these people continue to breed. When a box of matches says "Caution: Contents may catch fire" and sleeping pills say: "Warning: May cause Drowsiness" something is very, very wrong and it needs to be fixed. Either that, or I'm the stupid one who is blissfully unaware enough to actually want my matches to burn and my sleeping pills to make me sleepy. Even more frightening is when a package of peanuts contains the dire message: "Warning: contains peanuts"! It damn well better! If I'm allergic to peanuts and I go to the store and buy a bunch of products with Mr. Goddamn Peanut on them, then I fully expect to take the express train to Deadsville. Should I sue somebody if I, replete in the knowledge of my bee sting allergy, shove a beehive in my pants and then go kayaking*? No! I deserve what I got.

Manufacturers would print less crap on their labels, saving on ink. They could either pocket the difference or pass the savings on to the consumer. The living, un-scarred ones, with no chemical burns and whatnot.

If you want to contribute to the movement... go write to a politician. Preferably one who can read.

*We all have to go some time. It may as well be funny.

3 comments:

Sam said...

You know, I don't recall ever hearing or reading of anyone committing suicide via peanut allergy. Speaking on behalf of my relatively-newfound diabetes, if I ever get a serious enough urge to give up the ghost, I think I'll try to go via a white, starchy feast.

And to be a tad more on-topic: Your movement is doomed to failure. Why? Because no movement can succeed without offering linking badges. Where are the badges, Wontar?

Wontar said...

Badges? We don' need no... ah, you know the rest. Here you go, Sam.

HeadyLamar_NO_NO_It's_Hedley said...

Coffee is HOT?!

I should show caution?

Why dear lord is it necessary to be told do not climb into the bear pit?

Remember back in the ol' days when kids weren't too good to get trapped in a dumpster. Now we got all kinds of bleeding heart warnings. Don't play in, on, or around.

And why exactly, can't you stick your hand under the lawn mower while's it's still running?