Monday, May 09, 2005

Bust a Move

At long last, our furniture has arrived. I hadn't expected it to show up on Sunday, so this was a pleasant surprise. The pleasantness of the surprise ended after the very first item came out of the truck, and we saw that it was damaged. I'm not talking about a flowerpot or a spoon here. It was our brand-spankin'-new leather sofabed. The cross beam underneath was cracked. Sure, it's a piece of like 1X3 wood, but it took some significant force to crack it considering the whole thing was wrapped better than a mummy in a sleeping bag. The next casualty was one of the glass doors of our lowboy. Completely shattered. As was our full-length mirror. That was a neat trick, because the mirror was wrapped in bubble wrap, in a blanket, between two solid pieces of wood, and the whole thing was taped together. I'm not going to go through a litany of damaged items. I'm not exaggerating when I say there is over $1,000 worth of damage, though. All we know for sure right now is that our stuff was damaged when it was in NJ when it was transferred from the small truck that came to our apartment in NY. Therefore, I formally curse all those who work for Nationwide in NJ. May your reproductive organs be deep-fried while still attached to you, then force-fed to you. Then I want your skin stripped off and cooked into bacon and served to your children. Or your pets. Whatever. Then, I want every fiber in every muscle in your misbegotten bodies to be plucked like a harp string with a dental pick until it snaps with whatever musical note is appropriate. Oh, and before all this starts, I want your eyelids removed so you can't avoid seeing this.

Sound a bit extreme? It barely scratches the surface. They made my wife cry. I don't really give a rat's ass what they do to me, but if you hurt my wife in any way, you've officially forfeited your life. I would gleefully unleash worlds of pain on those who accidentally brush up against her. Steven King would whimper at the thoughts that go through my head for those who make her cry.

In other news, we got our new license plate and licenses today. My new license doesn't expire until 2035. 2035! I'll be 65, and have the same stupid picture on my license? That's scary.

No comments: