Sunday, May 29, 2005

Just Stop It

We just saw a commercial for an upcoming movie. "The Honeymooners". Yes, the classic TV show is being remade into a feature film. Who's in this sure-fire hit? Why, Cedric the Entertainer and Mike Epps as Ralph and Ed, respectively. If you're like me, your first reaction is: "Who in the hell are those people?" Followed closely by bile rising in your throat. I must admit that I am not a fan of the classic TV show. I am a fan of Hollywood stopping this trend of trying to make things "fresh", "hip", or "edgy". What the hell is next? "All in the Family" with Jackie Chan as Archie, CCH Pounder as Edith, and French Stewart as "Gary", their gay son who wants to become "Gloria"? Maybe they'll make "After M*A*S*H, the movie"? But it'll be animated. Anime! Big-eyed, spiky-haired unfunny Colonel Potter! I smell movie gold! Hey, what about "Eight Is Enough"? Get Dick Van Patten, but he's a cyborg. His eight children are household appliances fused with the occasional body part, and his wife is a segway with a kneecap or something. How about "Sanford and Son"? Get Larry the Cable guy to play Lamont. Or Fred. Or both. Where's the "Green Acres" movie? Eddie Albert just died, so lets set him to spinning in his grave ASAP! Get Will Smith and Jada Pinkett to play Oliver and Lisa! See, it'd be funny, because they could bring some "street" to those dopey redneck farm folk! Maybe a "Maude" movie. With Jackie Chan as Maude. He could be all sarcastic with a dry wit, and then kick ass for a little bit, then go play canasta. Hey, how about a remake of "Barney Miller"? Get Abe Vigoda and Hal Linden to reprise their roles. Where's the "Three's Company" movie? Ooh! Or "The Ropers", that saucy spinoff? In a nutty twist, you could get Don Knotts to play the part of Jack Tripper.

Bah. Dear Hollywood, stop it. Now. If you've run out of ideas, that's OK. Take a vacation. Relax. Go fishing or something. We'll get by for a while. While you're relaxing, maybe you can distribute a survey or something. Ask people what they'd like to see. I can pretty much guarantee the reply isn't going to be: "I'd like to see you rape and murder the memories of my childhood before my very eyes."

Here. I'll give you one for free: The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Remake that! You could have a CGI creature, raise awareness of destruction in the Amazon, chicks in bikinis swimming in the river being unknowingly stalked by the creature... it's a gold mine! (You just damn well better have the creature's gills move when he's on the boat and staring at the camera. Or I'll sue.)

There. Go make cinema magic. And stop making us ill.

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